Forgive Yourself

"Be not the slave of your own past-plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience, that shall explain and overlook the old."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Decompressing

People can't read your mind. I've expected people to do this so many times, mostly in relationships and a lot with my current relationship.

It's not fair to assume that they know exactly how to comfort you or what exactly you need them to do. It's okay to ask for the kind of support you want/need because if the person cares about you, they'll listen and offer that to you.

I catch myself doing this when I have a crazy day and I would hope that he would love on me and comfort me, give me a hug or rub my shoulders. But instead of holding something against him that he didn't even know I wanted, I can simply ask for a hug, a shoulder rubbed, a few minutes to hear me out.

He helped me understand that I decompress from things by relying on him and whoever is around while he decompresses alone, then talks about it later. I externalize while he internalizes. I like being alone and handling stress internally a lot of the time, but more and more I see that having support and knowing that people love me for who I am when I'm burdened really means a lot.

New Day

We all have the moments when we realize it's time to grow up and be independent. For me, it's happened by force in the past. Lately, I've had the luxury of easing into it. I'm at the point where I'm ready to jump into feeling more confident and getting used to taking risks.

I've been trying to figure out my priorities and that in itself has made me feel like a big girl, with such projects as:

-internship searching for next year

-study abroad application for Spain this summer

-finishing up RallyCats obligations

-taking on a mentorship role in my small group

-to be a follower of Jesus

-leading an organization that is honoring a Major General who graduated from UC

-preparing myself for time apart from a boyfriend who will be in Germany for 6 months

The challenging things in my life aren't hard for their own sake. They're hard because they make me think about the world in a radical way.

A current struggle: I'm doing my best to find humility and offer thanks for everything I have. I came across a quote, "Learn to treat everything as if it were irreplaceable." I take things for granted a lot. My slap in the face: hearing about my paralyzed friend taking brilliant strides everyday. Why does it take a huge loss to make us understand what we truly have?

With all that, my new day is here. I hold myself accountable to move forward more than I move backward. I learn so much everyday and I need to take it to heart instead of take it for granted.

Adventure

This weekend we had our annual winter Navs retreat. We talk about the Navs calling and pair up with a spiritual buddy for the weekend who is usually in your small group of a different graduating class. We share our testimony with our buddy, have time for discussion of Bible passages, and time for prayer.

We had a special session that taught us about listening to God, mostly for the sake of others as to do intercessory prayer. During a time of meditation, you ask a question like, "God, how do you see this person?" or "What do you want this person to know?" It was remarkable to see how people would receive messages from God in the form of images, scenes, sounds, words, or a voice. Some people didn't hear anything at times, which is okay. The exercises were a way to show us the power of the Holy Spirit Jesus gives his disciples in Acts 1:8.

The best decision that I made this quarter was jumping back into a small group. Fall quarter was overwhelming and taking Tuesday nights off for sanity purposes and RallyCats stuff was something that I wanted. Even though I have meetings every evening of the week again, the spiritual benefits of surrounding myself with loving, beautiful, brilliant, and hysterical girls for a few hours has meant so much. It has made me see how much they have to teach me and how much I have to offer as a result of my spiritual growth and personal maturity. I see how my sense of purpose and overall attitude towards life has improved. For a take on the opposite, 1 Corinthians 15:33 talks about the influence of a negative atmosphere, as does Proverbs 13:20. I've gotten a glimpse of my value and worth in so many ways by being around these girls. They have a special place in my heart, especially after this weekend.

For the last 4 years, Key Laborers has been an opportunity for me to re-establish a purpose for my life. The outlook of Navs is one that fits with my personality and capabilities. I relate with the ideas about spiritual generations, mentoring, being an insider and an along-sider, and living among the lost. Whenever life is hard or seems pointless, I come back to these ideas and understand how big of an adventure my life is.

Who said the Christian life has to be boring and all about rules? What could be more exciting than taking part in a journey led by the Lord of the universe?

Not Even Close

I've realized I may come off as thinking that I know how everything works and that I don't struggle with things. Truth: I'm not even close to that. I've chosen to use this blog as a way to outline the ideas that I find inspiring and concepts that have taken me years to grasp. I'm trying to focus on the positives and how I can move forward in life instead of making excuses for myself or being a pessimist. So, I hope you find some ideas on here inspiring as well and know that they've been given to me out of the grace of God.

To be honest and vulnerable, I've struggled with my priorities lately. There are so many things that I have loved doing at school, but now there are new opportunities appearing on the horizon. I'm having a hard time with an honest evaluation of what I want to include in my time here, because I'm finding that formerly important things are now being put on the backburner. Only having 2 full quarters left of school, I want to spend my time on things that are worth it. And unfortunately, some things in my life are not anymore.

Contentment

Having discontent in any part of your life can be a good or bad thing. Good: It can be the driving force of change, leading you to finding who you want to be. Bad: It can drive you into the ground spiritually and emotionally.

Having been at both ends of the spectrum, I understand how not loving yourself, lacking humility, and not giving thanks for life is detrimental to others, yourself, and your relationship with God. Letting things go allows contentment to step in, when control is lost and acceptance takes its place.

Disappointment

A few things were hard about this weekend. First off, it seemed as if some hard core things happened to people around me: death of a pet, breakup, Grandma in the hospital. I can't understand the loss of a pet because I've never really experienced that not having a personal pet. It's hard for me when the breakup is hours from me and I can't be there to comfort her. No one can get underneath a guy's thought process or reasons for backing out, but I can recognize that some guys have the ability to love and follow through with their intentions and others don't. There is disappointment there, that someone can say and do so many wonderful things, but is unable to consider the other person while sorting through a rough time.

My personal disappointment this weekend comes from some friends. I'm not upset and won't hold a grudge, but having people over this weekend could have looked a lot differently. It's one thing to hang out and have drinks, maybe getting a little drunk over the course of the night. But to show up already in that state, forcing the sober people to then watch over you or to leave early is a bummer. It wasn't just a random party. It was a birthday party, meant for showing the host that you like being their friend and want to say hey. The party wasn't about me hearing how much people love me, but it also shouldn't have been like any other parties that go on every weekend.

I was hoping it'd be a nice break for people to refrain from that. I thought it'd be nice to take it easy and those people who did seemed to have a better time. Hanging out at my house isn't tailored for crazy parties, it's a perfect atmosphere for relaxing and relating with people. It's like that even when it's just my roommates. Not even for hanging out with new people, but those people you hang out with all the time anyway. I believe you don't need to be intoxicated to have fun. I find it hard to believe that some people think that's even possible at this point. I'm not trying to judge here because I received apologies, but the general idea of good clean fun seems to be unattainable sometimes in this world.