Click

True story told from a dream-like state.

4:30am Wednesday morning.

I am jolted awake from the window right next to my bed flying open, putting the latch to shame as the gusty 20 degree-winds declare battle. The same window that forces itself open during summer thunderstorms. The same window that doesn't shut no matter what I try that I once ended up busting out the glass of the window, resulting in a cardboard replacement for a month that then housed a wasp's nest.

Once I catch my breath, I turn on my bedside light and find my glasses. I'm holding the window closed as I hear the whistling wind sneaking through the spaces along the edges of the windowsill, terrified that it will blow open again. What can I do? I stand there for a moment, trying to wake up and think of a plausible solution.

Tape. Duct tape. I don't have that, but Steph does. It's 4:30am, I'm not waking her up unless I have to.

I give the window a push, praying that it will stay put while I look for tape. I find some masking tape in my desk drawer and am quick to place strips over the latch, gaps along the edge, and across the glass. I let it sit for a moment. I hear it crackle as the wind pushes against it still, threatening to take over again. I turn the latches back and forth, hoping that they click in and hold the window shut permanently. The tape peels and crackles.

I hope that my workmanship will hold up so I can get 3 more hours of sleep before waking up for work. I lay awake, trying to fall asleep. Fear washes over me every time I hear the tape start to peel away. Occasionally I reach over and give the window another push, under the impression that my effort will solidify the tape's grasp.

5 minutes pass. The overwhelming gust of cold air invades my room with fervor once again, fulfilling my worst fear. I have lost control again, even after putting forth my best effort.

I sit on my bed, trembling as I hold the window closed. I either have to wake up Steph or not sleep for the rest of the night. The wind is winning and I am helpless.

I accept my defeat and surrender the battle. I give the window one final and abrupt push.

Click.

Questions Answered

I have been asking questions about why I believe what I do and why we as Christians sacrifice things like sex, greed, coarse joking (Ephesians 5:3-7). And I always would come to the textbook answer of “it’s God’s best for us” but didn’t know how that translated into my life, my situations, and my friendships with non-believers. I went to Last Wednesday at Crossroads where God told me what that meant. He asked “Who are you to question me?” in a way that shows his love for me and His dreams and capabilities for my life. Those things that I’m giving up aren’t mine in the first place (my body, my money, my words), and to let salvation and the sacrifice of Jesus be the true reason for my lifestyle is a crucial thing to remember.

I did the intro to the Singles bible study at Crossroads yesterday morning. There was a great message about being women of influence in whatever state of life. I want to start out this new phase of life on the right foot and having a mental orientation toward God’s will. I want to be as capable as I can to grow and move forward so I can have assurance with my identity as I start to date and hopefully get a job.

Our obedience is greater than our sacrifice.

Into your hands, I commit my spirit. Psalm 31:5

Finding My Way

Well, since I last posted I graduated, celebrated Christmas with both sets of parents, entered my 23rd year of life, celebrated New Years, and started working full-time. And in the midst of those changes, I've stumbled and learned more about who I am and want to be.

Here's my play-by-play:

-Graduation was great, filled with all 4 parents along with Matchi and Patchi. Great to see them, they visited from Oregon!

-I spent a week at Dad's in Dec. for my vacation. Made a scrapbook with stepmom Lisa for her parents' 40th anniversary and celebrated Christmas. Obtained a new red and black camera and the entire series of Lost. New project for me and sister.

-Christmas with all of Jim's family was loud and entertaining, consisting of toy gun fights between my stepbrothers and screams of excitement from the grandkids as they

opened gifts. Christmas day with mom, Jim, and sister was nice. Banana nut pancakes and enchiladas stuffed me silly.

-Birthday was pleasant! Mellow Mushroom for lunch (great pizza, located in Wilder, KY) and saw The King's Speech with sister (the casting was very impressive, i recommend it). Went out with my boys later on in the night.

-Went to Grammer's for New Years with a fun posse. Had to go out this year since I have been at bowl games for the past 2 new years nights.

-I had a graduation party at the Vatican! People stopped by and hung out. It was a chill party, good to know that I'm loved :)

Moving forward, I'm filling in at Alumni for an employee who is on medical leave until the end of February. I'm an administrative assistant, which means that I have a continual checklist of internal requests from my colleagues who are program managers for local and Nationwide alumni initiatives. I have learned how to use different online programs for registration and informing alumni around the country, along with how departments operate and interact with the whole university. The people there are very supportive as I submit applications at the university for program coordinator and executive staff assistant positions.

I'm still living at the Vatican with the girls. It's interesting for us to all be at different places in life and relationships. As a recent graduate, conflict exists in the step between being a big girl during the day with work and stepping into the professional life and having the collegiate world around me. Next year, I'll be living with my soul mate Tricia in an apartment. I was thinking about living by myself, but I obtain so much energy from other people and get more depressed if I'm alone for too long. So I'm glad to have one roommate who is one of my best friends. Time to grow up, gotta wait 9 months though!

I have learned a lot about myself through my relationships this quarter, some more than others. Prudence in my decisions and considering the consequences of my actions more is a goal of mine, however I don't intend to abandon my natural desire to learn from experience. I'm trying to let go of things that could be so great but ultimately not the best.

And to let go of every aspect of life. Trust is still a prevalent point of focus with the job search and finding contentment with being single. I'll be more intentional with my girl time and figuring out how to treat singleness. Along with that, Crossroads is doing a 4 week study on being single that I will attend to get some perspective. And to build new community and be fed in an environment closer to my place in life. My ministry with Navs was such a blessing during college, but my participation is through Alumni now, not being among peers.

I am spending this weekend in Gatlinburg with the parents, sister, and two of her friends from Taylor (Mr. Van Wyk and Mr. Ford aka. Mr. Pokewhore). I think I needed time away from everything more than I thought. Time to catch up on rest, have good food, laugh enough to get an ab workout.

In sum, God is good even though life is challenging me.

The Finish Line

I have three class days left at UC. That's right, only THREE! Time flies. I've been so blessed to grow in this extraordinary environment at UC and with the people around me.

The next month will be full of transitions: Finishing my 4-yr Registrar Office job, ending my internship with Alumni, finishing classes and taking my last finals, and ya know, GRADUATING. Thank the Lord I'm not moving out of the Vatican until next September, don't know if I could handle that.

I said in my last post that words of affirmation are a big love language of mine. I've realized that statement is true in times of uncertainty when I need clarification from someone else. Otherwise, physical touch/proximity and quality time are both a big deal. In stressful times lately, having someone there to watch a movie with me or hang out has brought me so much peace and indicates that I am significant. Thank you for your love, you all provide an immense feeling of stability.

I have learned that I must trust Christ to be my sole provider and to refrain from being caught up in everything that I could attempt on my own. God has provided me with clarity and strength in my decisions. He has followed through and will continue in this time of transition, with relationships, income opportunities, and with sustenance.

Unda Pressure

I'll start by saying that Life Is Good. I know this and believe it even though things aren't always easy.

A lot of me feeling pressured is my own doing, but it's who I am. I'm pressured at work to not mess up and make a great impression. I'm pressured with living up to my mentor-like status with my brilliant small group girls on Tuesdays. I'm pressured with thinking about the dating scene and where I fit into that, how I should conduct myself and read people properly.

I feel obligated to everything and always think I have to prove myself or I'll be considered a failure. I'm thankful for the friends and family around me who are constantly reminding me that I'm doing a great job. If you didn't know, words of affirmation is my primary love language so anything that I hear keeps me going. I definitely don't do anything for the sake of praise or appreciation, but I honestly push myself for approval. I have a service mentality which connects me with God's purposes but also drives me away when I get overwhelmed.

The message that God is already pleased with me is astounding and I pray I can retain that as I move forward into a brutal, demanding, beautiful world.

Passion for New Opportunities

God has presented people to the forefront of my life who have shown me what it means to have passion, leading me to find out what my passions are. Growing up helps us find conviction in things, through experiences and learning things that just make sense. My friends in student groups, my roommates, and my professors have demonstrated their driving forces and I've witnessed how they and the people around them experience the fruits of that.

As graduation approaches pretty rapidly, I'm torn between having security with a job and being content if I don't have that right away. I'm proud of who I have become over the past few years and feel like I have a ton to offer and am qualified for a lot. But I have to accept the reality that even though I see that and the people around me do, companies and businesses might not right away.

Contentment and humility are great struggles for me right now. In the midst of loving people, contributing and participating in my social arenas, and thinking about my future, I'm struggling to maintain a balanced and humble perspective.

However, while I struggle I am learning what makes me tick. Loving and helping people reaches me in ways that nothing else does. EdgeCorps (Navs staff) is one of my many possible paths, but even if I do get a full-time job I want to make people an important part of my life. I thrive off of the presence of others. Where I work needs to feed that or I won't find fulfillment or contentment with my work.

Looking Forward

Being back home in the states has been a wonderful experience. My reverse culture shock wasn't as much bad as good, helping me realize how much I take for granted living in the United States. Several people have asked me if I would ever live in Europe and I'm not sure I would. Traveling and staying for more than a few days is great for me because I love being settled. While Spain felt very natural for me (meaning I never felt like a tourist there), I still feel more at home and settled in the states. Not just because people I know and love are around, but it really is the land of opportunity. It's different, because obviously Europe provides plenty of extraordinary adventures. But in the US, I truly feel equipped and acknowledged enough to follow my dreams and achieve whatever I want in life. It's obviously not in a tangible way for me like it is for so many people who move here, but I can see how blessed I am to have the freedoms and future that I do.

I miss speaking Spanish on a regular basis and I've tried to keep up my listening practice by watching BBC Mundo shorts and following them on Twitter. Emily McF, who I mentor, wants to keep going with Spanish and eventually study abroad, so we'll have parts of our meetings in Spanish to practice together. I've never felt called to missions, but now that I've seen and learned about other cultures more, I want to be a part of them in more of a service-oriented manner. After I graduate, I'll definitely start looking into maybe doing a short-term thing somewhere.

The friends that I have in Cincinnati are so wonderful. I've loved jumping back in, getting huge hugs from people the first time they saw me again, who had genuine excitement while asking about my trip and experiences. I'm blessed to have roommates who have all traveled abroad (yeah, all 5 of them!) and know the kinds of questions to ask and the types of feelings I had then and now.

My sister asked me if I hate Americans now in the sense of living elsewhere, but I really just dislike ignorant Americans. It's sometimes heartbreaking to see people so tunnel-visioned in their own world that they aren't a part of other cultures or types of people. Traveling abroad isn't necessary to have an interest or even and idea of what's going on in the world. There are so many people on this planet. I've gained so much more perspective and I hope that it manifests in a greater and more apparent sense of humility.

I have a ton of opportunities in the next few months as I prepare to graduate and search for a job. I'm more excited and content than nervous and anxious. I know I will be taken care of. We have an awesome God.