Psalm 73:25

"Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth."

In my questions directed at God about the reason why I pursue a life of faith in Him, he has been clear to show me that he is constant and faithful to me, which directly conflicts with everything the world has to offer. We live in a broken world. And when the people around me who are lost are assured that they have all they need without God, they might be right. However, it is possible that they get to a certain point before they realize that the things they live for are worth nothing. It breaks my heart that people settle for less that what they deserve. Because we all deserve the best and most full life possible. For me, that fulfillment comes from a life in relationship with Christ, who "graciously gives us all things."

Because I've been broken down over the last few months (mostly in the last week), I have discovered how things of this world fall short. I have discovered who my true friends are based on commitment and the ability to love me unconditionally. They aren't perfect, but they have coached me through my questions and times of uncertainty. Uncertainty with my financial future has a stronghold in my thoughts, but that leaves room for trust and hope in God providing what I need to live.

I am battling the need to impress people. This has been the subconscious driving force of my actions for a long time. My relationships, my performance at work, my involvement in student groups, my spheres of influence and friends. My desire to live according to Christ and his attitude of abounding and unconditional love for me should be the only way to define myself and my actions. And because it seems like everyone has had an opinion about my life, my actions, my faults, and my decisions recently proves that His support is the only kind fueled by pure love.

In the midst of my failures and the brokenness of my relationships, God affirmed me this weekend through conversations with friends and interactions at Key Laborers, our annual Navs retreat. My wise roommate noted that the people that I have impacted the most have come as a result of natural and comfortable interactions, not my over-the-top efforts and striving to be perfect. So, I'm taking a step back from my spheres of influence for the next few weeks to understand how to be one person and invest effectively.



My love for Switchfoot has been rekindled in the last week because most of their songs have messages with how to handle the condition of the world. Some lines that have resonated:

• Hold fast til the break of day, the shadow proves the sunshine (Psalm 46:5)
• I'm learning to breathe, learning to crawl, I'm finding that you and only you can break my fall
• It'll be a day like this one when the world caves in
• Does justice never find you? Do the wicked never lose? Is there any honest song to sing besides these Blues?

I'm holding onto you. My world is wrong, My world is a lie that's come true.
And I fall in love with the ones that run me through, when all along all I need is You.
Take what is left of me, make it a melody. I can't find the words to sing, you be my remedy.

Click

True story told from a dream-like state.

4:30am Wednesday morning.

I am jolted awake from the window right next to my bed flying open, putting the latch to shame as the gusty 20 degree-winds declare battle. The same window that forces itself open during summer thunderstorms. The same window that doesn't shut no matter what I try that I once ended up busting out the glass of the window, resulting in a cardboard replacement for a month that then housed a wasp's nest.

Once I catch my breath, I turn on my bedside light and find my glasses. I'm holding the window closed as I hear the whistling wind sneaking through the spaces along the edges of the windowsill, terrified that it will blow open again. What can I do? I stand there for a moment, trying to wake up and think of a plausible solution.

Tape. Duct tape. I don't have that, but Steph does. It's 4:30am, I'm not waking her up unless I have to.

I give the window a push, praying that it will stay put while I look for tape. I find some masking tape in my desk drawer and am quick to place strips over the latch, gaps along the edge, and across the glass. I let it sit for a moment. I hear it crackle as the wind pushes against it still, threatening to take over again. I turn the latches back and forth, hoping that they click in and hold the window shut permanently. The tape peels and crackles.

I hope that my workmanship will hold up so I can get 3 more hours of sleep before waking up for work. I lay awake, trying to fall asleep. Fear washes over me every time I hear the tape start to peel away. Occasionally I reach over and give the window another push, under the impression that my effort will solidify the tape's grasp.

5 minutes pass. The overwhelming gust of cold air invades my room with fervor once again, fulfilling my worst fear. I have lost control again, even after putting forth my best effort.

I sit on my bed, trembling as I hold the window closed. I either have to wake up Steph or not sleep for the rest of the night. The wind is winning and I am helpless.

I accept my defeat and surrender the battle. I give the window one final and abrupt push.

Click.